Pride and Prejudice. With Cell Phones
 Jane Austen has long been a favorite of mine, and I’ve always had a particular fondness for Elizabeth Bennet because she was such an independent, intelligent, sassy woman of her time. I wanted to be her! (And marry Mr. Darcy!)
With that in mind, I think that Goddess Jane would forgive me for taking such liberties as to rewrite Elizabeth’s proposal scenes in parody style—it is done with much affection, and much borrowing of Goddess Jane’s own words. And with the addition of cell phones, of course…
The Episode During Which Mr. Collins Nearly But Not Quite Proposes To Elizabeth Bennet (Due To Cunning Use of Cell Phones)
“Lizzy, I insist upon your staying and hearing Mr. Collins,” Mrs. Bennet told her reluctant daughter, Elizabeth.
Really! Early nineteenth-century gels could be so ungrateful and independent. But without a dowry said gel was obliged to grasp any nuptial opportunity that came her way, especially as it guaranteed that the entire family would not be put out destitute in the hedgerows when Mr. Collins inherited Longbourn.
But such fun to plan a wedding! Of course, it also meant a new bonnet for the mother of the bride. And new shoes! Who could resist such a shopping opportunity? Mrs. Bennet flipped open her cell phone…her new “Family and Friends” plan was such a comfort to her poor long-suffering nerves.
As her mother left the room (no doubt with the express intention of calling the Entire World to discuss shoes and wedding arrangements), Elizabeth realized that it would be wisest to either (a) let Mr. Collins say his piece and get it over with, which might take the whole day, or (b) think of a plan for averting the situation to the satisfaction of all.
Oh, dear. She just knew this was going to be a longwinded speech. Plan (b) it was. If only there were some other future for dowry-less girls of her social standing, aside from an arranged marriage with an idiot . Possibly something involving romance and excitement and adventure.
 Take that Mary Wollstonecraft, for example. Now there was an exciting woman! Up and eloped with poet Percy Shelley for love. Elizabeth would bet her last penny, if she wasn’t penniless and had one, that Mary would write some poetry, too—or even a book. Percy Shelley would introduce Mary to his editor, and bang! She’d be a best-selling author before you could say…Elizabeth couldn’t think of the word because Mary had yet to invent it, but it featured a scary monster with a bolt through its neck.
Oddly, when Elizabeth thought of excitement, Mr. Darcy sprang to mind. Tall, dark, handsome, interesting…shame about the arrogance and pride, though, even if he did have a great house in the country and ten thousand a year. A girl could buy a lot of independence with that chunk of cash.
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